I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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