She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
