Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
