some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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