Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
