i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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