hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
