i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
