Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize