When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
only you would photoshop your dick
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
