Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
