Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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