All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
