He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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