I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
