I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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