Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
