I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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