God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
