Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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