Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
