Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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