i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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