then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
