I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
