If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
