Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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