i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
