Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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