I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
