Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
