hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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