I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
