my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
