just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
