you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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