She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
