is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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