Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
