We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The air was thick with penises
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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