I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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