his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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