So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
