My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
