Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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