Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
