I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
