I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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