Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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