I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
