remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
