woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
