How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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