Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
