Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I think i got beer on your cat.
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