What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize