So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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