Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just had sex on a roof
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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