That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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