I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
