There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I could fuck to npr.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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