Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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