textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
