anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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