just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
