Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
