I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
