apparently the secret to your success is patron
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
