last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
